The Forte Factor
a Greatness Zone LLC company
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Jay@TheForteFactor.com
Life

How to Be Okay When You Are Not Okay

The holiday season brings out great emotions. The ones it is associated with most are joy and excitement. We see it in commercials and on ads, and we see it in our neighborhoods as people decorate their homes with festive lights. We hear it in the way people talk about their plans and activities. And we feel it when we see the first snow of the season, when we walk through a walkway that is perfectly lit with Christmas lights, when we hear about family celebrations and when your company starts decorating and planning events to celebrate the season (and the end of the year) with their employees.

But these are the productive emotions. The holiday season also brings out other emotions, like stress, sadness and loneliness.

Let me tell you a secret: it’s okay to not be okay.

Say that again, nice and loud: its ok to not be okay.

This year, it’s possible the unproductive emotions will impact the holidays. And it will be very easy to let those unproductive emotions move right in. After all, with COVID-19 completely changing our world over the past year, it’s hard not to throw your hands in the air when presented with something else that has (or will) change and screaming, “why not!?”

Holiday traditions, family gatherings, office parties, networking events, trips to visit Santa; it will be different, or may not happen at all.

I know many people are feeling sad or hurt or lonely. I know many people are upset about the changes to the holiday season this year. The traditions we’ve enjoyed in previous years, the feelings of comfort and security when surrounded by friends and family, the fun and excitement that radiates off kids who are visiting Santa – it will all change.

Things will feel different because it will be different.

Guidance we share with our clients is to feel every feeling and be intentional in WHY you feel it. This mindful approach helps you understand your feelings so you can more successfully deal with them. When you stay in hurt or tough feelings, they can take you down. Something we share with our clients is, “visit but don’t move in.”

Understand the emotions so you can deal with them. Then focus on the good, the great and the amazing that are also available when you choose to see it.

Visit your disappointment, frustration or aggravation with today’s situations, then move past them. Visit but don’t move in. I believe this is a mantra everyone should adopt when they feel strong unproductive emotions like sadness or frustration, and not just around the holidays.

So, be ok knowing you’re not ok this year. Give yourself some grace to feel the big emotions. Give yourself permission to be sad or lonely. Be intentional in your decision to be ok not being ok.

Then take a deep breath, find the good and make an intentional decision about what comes next.

Take Action
When you find yourself experiencing big emotions this year, remind yourself it’s ok to visit but don’t move in. Try setting a timer if you find it hard to get out of a funk. Let yourself feel the emotions, be present in them, but then challenge yourself to see the good.

After all, some days are great, others are not, but each one gives you the unique opportunity to make the next one better. When you take advantage of this, you not only benefit from making things better, but you are happier in whatever life sends your way because you intentionally focus on the positive instead of the negative. When you find yourself in negative emotions, remember, visit, but don’t move in.

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading Why Things Don’t Always Work Out

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Corporate

Your Mood Affects Others; Manage it.

The grumpy customer made you grumpy. The impatient driver activated your short fuse. The enthusiastic employee made you smile. The supportive manager inspired greater team camaraderie.

How others act affects how you act. It is called emotional contagion. Emotion contagion can be positive and inspiring, or it can be negative and demotivating. It all depends on how you show up to a situation and how you decide to respond instead of react. This has particular importance for leaders and managers within an organization.

Leaders set not only the strategic direction of the organization, but how they show up to their interactions, challenges, successes and opportunities influences how they engage or disengage an entire organization.

Think about a time when you encountered a disappointment, frustration or aggravation. How did you handle it? Did you ensure everyone around you knew you were frustrated or aggravated? Or, did you take a breath, manage your emotions and stay clear, focused and intentional about your direction? What was the impact on others of your choice?

Now think about a time when your boss encountered a disappointment, frustration or aggravation. How did they handle it? Did they make a point of sharing how frustrated and aggravated they were? Or did they handle it calmly, wisely and intentionally? Again, what was the impact on others because of their choice?

When we let the challenges and aggravations of work and life get under our skin, we absorb the negative energy and share it without thinking. If we are upset, others know it. And the more leaders share it, the more they can take an upbeat and productive organization, disengage the employees and quickly send them running to other organizations where leaders have learned to manage their emotions.

Here is some good news: the same happens with positive emotions. Approach your day with gratitude, patience, resilience and optimism and you will spread it. The more you feel these positive emotions, the better your days are and the more you can counteract the negative emotions from others. Think of it as a forcefield that encourages confidence, enthusiasm and positivity.

Being able to call on these positive emotions when things (and people) around you are challenging requires you to have a daily practice of building positive energy. Reading, listening to or playing music, taking a walk, enjoying nature, spending time with those you love and care about are all ways for you to develop a successful distraction from the negative energy and people, and to remind you that there is always more good around you than bad; you may just have to work harder to see it. It is up to you to build your toolbox – the things that help you stay upbeat, calm and optimistic, regardless of the challenges, noise and nasty people around. These situations and others’ behaviors are about them, not you.

Make it your choice who and how you want to be. Building a practice of self-management and resilience through gratitude, optimism and care builds a positive forcefield that negativity cannot pierce.

Take Action
At the beginning of each day, identify 3 things that will make your day great. Do the same thing at the end of the day; identify 3 things that made your day great. Focus on being positive, optimistic and engaged. Identify when you brought negative energy to your workplace or life – and why. Be on the lookout for other times that will take you down and build your positive focus to meet them head on.

When you have a successful optimism and gratitude practice, it is easier and more successful to handle whatever life sends. From this place, you send off a greater, happier energy that can then ripple through your workplace or home. You encourage more positive emotions and actions in others, instead of allowing their negativity and pessimism to influence you.

By Jay Forte

Consider reading How to Get the People Thing Right for Your Business

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Life

I’m Grateful For [Fill in the Blank]

I was recently doing an in-home workout and the instructor said something that struck me: “Are you out of breath? Be grateful for that. Be grateful that you have the ability and the opportunity to be out of breath by moving.”

That literally stopped me in my tracks. I think many people who workout to any degree can appreciate the feeling of being out of breath and being embarrassed when it happens so quickly or so easily during a workout. But to have the ability to shift your mentality about what it means? Eye opening.

It got me thinking about the mindset shift we talk about at The Forte Factor. When we say mindset shift, we’re talking about your ability to change the way you see something and, therefore, the way you think about it and respond to it. It’s based in being aware of yourself and your surroundings, and using that information to decide (with intention) what to do next (and how to do it).

As you can imagine, most people believe that to be able to master the mindset shift requires significant work.

Here’s why that’s not true.

Sure, to master a mindset shift requires practice, but “mastering” the mindset shift really just requires the ability to interrupt what you always do (stop) to notice what’s happening in a specific moment. Then, with the additional information you noticed by being present to your moment, you can make your best decision and go act.

Seeing your loss of breath during a workout is an opportunity – a stop and notice moment. Though you could use it to be embarrassed or judge the shape you are in, you could also use it to see your progress, applaud your energy and reconfirm your focus on fitness. Same event. Different mindset.

Getting caught in the rain because you forgot an umbrella is a moment to be thankful that you have the ability to feel the rain, and then run from it. Until this moment, what was your mindset about getting caught in the rain?

Standing in an extremely slow-moving line for coffee is a moment to be thankful that you have the funds available to purchase what you’re waiting for as well as to connect with the people who are experiencing the same line as you. Until this moment, what was your mindset about waiting in line for coffee?

Being able to make the mindset shift is all about intention, so start small. Catch yourself in the little moments. Stop and notice what you think, feel and do. Each of these little moments provide you with the opportunity to expand what you experience and choose how you experience the world around you. Each provide moments to be grateful for, and moments to build on.

Take Action
Make the effort to intentionally stop at various points throughout your day to notice you (what you are thinking and feeling) and your world (what is going on). Then work to see the good, the important, the valuable and the exceptional in that moment. Challenge yourself to be more aware of when you feel yourself getting frustrated, embarrassed or annoyed. Instead of allowing those unproductive emotions to take the lead, flip the situation on its head. Practice your mindset shift. Start by saying, “I’m grateful for…” and fill in the blank.

You’ll see an immediate shift in your demeanor, behavior and mentality for the rest of the day.

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading Life’s Little Moments

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Life

Welcome (and Learn from) Negative Emotions

There are six core emotions that we all experience: sadness, disgust, anger, fear, surprise and happiness. Though all of these emotions are how we interpret, understand and connect with our world, four (sadness, disgust, anger and fear) are what most people identify as negative emotions. Though negative, most of us spend more time experiencing these than the positive emotions of surprise and happiness.

Take a moment and notice how much of your day you feel sadness, disgust, anger or fear. What choices are you making in work and life that inspire responding with these emotions?

Remember that the negative emotions aren’t “bad.” They can be productive to help you sort through challenges and successfully deal with your world. It becomes a challenge for you and those around you, however, when you stay in negative emotions. You are not learning the lessons they are teaching. When I work with my coaching clients about negative emotions, I suggest they visit but don’t move in. To do this, you have to develop an awareness of the emotions you experience, and understand why and how those emotions make you feel.

As these four emotions are available to you, remember that so are the two more positive ones. What would it take for you to learn to spend more time being surprised by and happy in work and life? As so many mindfulness teachers share, all of life is a choice. Though you can’t control what happens in life, you can choose how you respond to it. Noticing how you are feeling – which emotions are going on for you – is the start.

Life is meant to be a great adventure. If we learn to see it from the positive side, our experience will be remarkable. If we are experiencing it from the negative side, we will drag ourselves through life, taking others down with us. You know of those who can’t ever seem to be happy; they are always aware of what is lacking, missing or why they should be angry, disgusted or afraid. Are you one of them?

The world is the way the world is. You choose how to experience it. How you approach and experience your life will determine the quality of your life. Use your emotions wisely to have a really remarkable life experience, regardless of what life actually sends you.

Take Action
For the next 24 hours, tune in to the emotions you experience throughout the day. Each time you stop to notice, record the emotion you are feeling (sadness, disgust, anger, fear, surprise or happiness), then record the event that inspires it. At the end of the day, notice which emotions you spend most of your time with. If you find them to be on the negative side, what changes in your attitude and environment would help you shift to more positive emotions?

By Jay Forte

Consider reading The Value of Setbacks

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Life

The Power of Journaling

One of the best self-awareness and self-management tools we encourage our coaching clients to use is journaling. Journaling provides the ability to sit down and write what you’re thinking and feeling with no judgement; the impact is clarifying, enlightening and freeing. Sometimes, the ability to tune out the rest of the world and just be honest with yourself can open your eyes to greater awareness, information and realizations you may have missed or ignored. It can help you get clear to be able to make wise decisions, small or large. It can help you transition through challenging times. It can take a weight off your shoulders.

As the impact of COVID-19 continues to evolve, changing the way we see and live our lives, I’ve noticed many parents are encouraging their kids to keep a journal. And this isn’t an age specific activity, either. I’ve seen parents sharing this idea with their teens right down to their toddlers. In fact, I recently saw a post from a parent who shared that her young daughter had trouble explaining the big emotions she was feeling. After she encouraged her to write things down, both of them had an easier time communicating with each other.

I’ve also heard of parents who are encouraging their toddlers – the kids who can’t write for themselves – to tell them what they’re thinking and feeling, and parents are writing it down for them.

And I’ve heard of parents who are encouraging their older children – especially those in college who were sent home to finish their year through online courses from the comfort of their childhood bedrooms – to journal to help them understand and channel their big emotions in a productive way.

We’re loving this use of journaling. There’s a power in writing things down, to create a visual representation of what you’re thinking and feeling. It makes it real. It also clears it out of your mind so it stops the continual pinging and distracting thoughts. Left unattended, our thoughts will run around our head, disrupting our concentration, affecting our mood and influencing our behaviors (sometimes not in the most productive ways). Addressing them by giving yourself time and space to release them and see them creates the ability to be a wiser, calmer person.

So if you’re struggling to find the right words to discuss this big event with your kids, considering journaling for yourself. To start, get in a quiet place. Take a few deep breaths. Ask yourself a question like, “What I am feeling right now?” or “What is the thing that seems to be getting my attention?” Write what comes to mind. Don’t judge it. Just write. When you feel you are done (you will know), review what you wrote and reflect on it. Allow yourself to experience whatever is going on with you. Journaling gives it words. With these, you can then better use the information to quiet your mind and make more intentional decisions.  

This is a big, scary event for everyone. The best way to prevent panic is to ensure you take time to get centered and present. Your family needs you to be informed, calm and responsive, not anxious and reactive. Journaling can help you find your moment of Zen in a noisy and changing world.

Take Action
Take 5 minutes today to write down how you’re feeling in whatever format works best for you, whether it’s a list of words, a formal journal entry or even a drawing. Write down the emotions you’re feeling right now. How does this help you see things more clearly? How can you use journaling to help you step outside the internal spiral you might be feeling or experiencing so you are able to relax, keep perspective and continue to make wise decisions?

If journaling can help you, consider how it can help your kids who are still learning – and possibly just starting to see – how this pandemic will change their world.

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading How Do You Talk to Your Kids About Current Events?

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Life

Experiencing Emotions

Sometimes, you feel angry and you can’t seem to get out of the downward spiral; everything just makes your mood worse. Sometimes, you just need to cry and can’t stop. Sometimes, you’re so contagiously happy you seem to be operating in your own world.

I can guarantee that as a human, you regularly experience these emotions. We all do.

Experiencing any of those emotions is not good or bad, right or wrong. It’s what you do when you experience them that determines your degree of happiness or suffering as you go through life. Remember, life and its events are neutral. We add the meaning. Each emotion we experience is telling us something about us and our world. Sometimes we like it; sometimes we don’t. But when we really tune in, we get to experience all of life.

Consider how you would fully experience these events.

  • You wake up happy, rested and excited about the day. The sun is out, the sky has no clouds. There is the smell of coffee coming from the kitchen. Spend a moment with this.
  • You wake up upset and tired. You have a headache. You spilled breakfast on your work clothes and need to change, which got you caught up in traffic and made you late for work. Spend a moment with this.
  • You received some tough health news. More tests are needed but your next appointment is not for two weeks. You will have to distract yourself while you wait for the additional tests. Spend a moment with this.

I’m the first to raise my hand to say “been there!” Whether happy, nervous or sad, our emotions help us make sense of our world. So, consider how you can choose to experience and learn from your emotions – to help you either focus on the joy or the lesson in each moment? Feel, then manage your emotions to help you wisely, successfully and productively show up fully present, aware and authentic in life.

Take Action
The next time you find yourself experiencing an excess of a specific emotion, take a deep breath. Allow yourself the time to fully experience it – what it feels like to be happy, relaxed, worried or upset.

Then ask yourself: what emotion(s) do I want to stay in and what do I want to learn from then move away from? Hold on to those that bring you joy, happiness and contentment. Learn from, then let go of, the others.

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading Are You Putting Bricks in Your Backpack?

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Life

Managing Your Self-Talk

A big part of who we are at The Forte Factor is dedicated to helping our clients be the best version of themselves. To discover, develop and live their strengths. To work toward their definition of happy and successful.

To do all this requires you to be aware of your world, aware of yourself and, perhaps most importantly, being self-managed, recognizing that sometimes your strengths may be too strong for a specific situation, and your liabilities may be unchecked.

In a recent article by psychologist Joan Rosenberg, she talked about five irrational thinking patterns that can negatively impact how you think and feel about yourself. Reading through these thinking patterns, it reminded me of the importance of self-talk. Tuning in to who you are is a challenging first step to the coaching experience. It requires you to tune out the rest of the world and be completely honest with yourself to identify your strengths, your liabilities and what makes you happy.

For those of you who take the time out of your day to tune in to your self-talk, how much of it is negative?

Your negative self talk is that sneaky voice seems to come from nowhere, challenging your confidence and making you think twice about something you’re about to do. “You’ll never be able to make that sale.” “You don’t belong here.” “You are not good enough.” “You are completely out of your realm here. You don’t even have a senior title.”

At The Forte Factor, we call this your Super-Committee – the negative, critical and unproductive self-talk our inner critic is all too eager to share. Our Super-Committee challenges our confidence and competence, reminding us of the times we’ve failed in the past. Though its motivation is positive (it really just wants to protect us from things that didn’t work in our past), it can keep us small, stuck and afraid to go for the things we want in work and life if left unchecked and unmanaged.

So how do you manage the Super-Committee? It’s all about your self-talk.

Everyone has had some failure in life. Whether big or small, it can elicit the same uncomfortable feeling every time you think of it. So, embrace the failure. Recognize what happened and own the mistake (this is part of being human). Work through your feeling of discomfort. Ask yourself: what can this experience teach me? And how can I be better next time? Challenge yourself to be completely honest and identify what worked and what didn’t work. Don’t judge it. Simply notice and learn from it.

You’ll find your Super-Committee can be a bully. Similar to not giving bullies any ammo to make you feel bad about yourself, working through uncomfortable emotions and situations allows you to shift your self-talk from negative to positive. You can’t feel like a failure if you see yourself rebounding from the situation bigger and better.

One thing I love that Joan Rosenberg says is that it’s your decision how you think about yourself and how to you talk to yourself. You always have the choice to make life what you want it to be. If you choose to be happy, you have the ability to make that happen. Take control of your life. Start with how you talk to yourself.

Take Action
Think of something that happened to you recently that made you particularly uncomfortable. Think about that event and focus on the emotion(s) you felt. Take a few moments to reflect. What happened? Why did it elicit the type of emotions you felt? What did you learn from the event? How could your Super-Committee try to use this event against you in the future?

Manage your self-talk and your Super-Committee by being self-aware. Nothing can quiet the loud inner critic more than being confident and clear about who you are.

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading The Value of Setbacks

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Life

Acknowledging Emotions

By Kristin Allaben

My grandmother recently passed away. I was, perhaps ironically, already surrounded by family when the news reached us. We gave each other hugs, asked if everyone was ok as we started to process the news, shared memories of our Nonna and shared smiles and laughs through the tears. Everything you’d expect when the news of someone’s passing hits you.

But as I watched my big, loving family give hugs and express concern for each other, it made me realize that I don’t think there’s ever been a time when I’ve experienced the passing of someone I cared about where I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. Are you supposed to be sympathetic? Empathetic? Block out the pain? Embrace it and show every emotion? Is it ok to nervously laugh when someone asks if you’re ok? Is it ok to blink back tears instead of letting them fall freely?

Emotions are big things and, in my opinion, should be acknowledged. Without the acknowledgement, you can’t understand why you’re feeling that specific emotion.  

This self-awareness launched a little social experiment: I started watching how people acknowledge their emotions.

A toddler is a perfect example of just how powerful acknowledging emotions can be. I watched – with intention – my almost two year old closely for an entire day. Seeing him, and I mean really seeing him, experience emotions is one of the most intriguing things I’ve ever seen. When he’s happy, he smiles. When he’s sad, he cries. When he’s having fun, he’s laughing a contagious belly laugh. When he’s tired, he yawns. He doesn’t hide any emotion. You know exactly what he’s thinking and feeling. Nothing is unknown. It is what it is. He is fully present. He doesn’t check over his shoulder to see what others are thinking. He doesn’t have any judgement about what he is feeling – he fully engages with what is going on.

At what point did it become a rule that adults can’t acknowledge and share their emotions? Societal norms everywhere point to how you need to put on a brave face, have a stiff upper lip. Even pop culture reiterates these expectations with songs like “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and the ever popular phrase, “man up!” (ignore the gender bias there for a moment; that’s a discussion for another time).

Imagine how different your day could be if you stopped, noticed and acknowledged, truthfully and without judgement, how you’re feeling in any given moment. By experiencing and seeing what is, you could curb the hangry before it impacts an important afternoon meeting, or you could prevent an angry outburst at a bad driver because you’re tired or running late, or you could be more in the moment with your toddler when they start to process a new emotion.

This self-awareness gives you power to be self-managed, to choose how you want to fully experience this moment. Just imagine how different your day could be if you take the time to properly acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself to feel them, if only for a moment, to help you understand why you’re feeling them.

So, laugh when you find something funny. Smile when you’re happy. Cry when you’re sad. Allow yourself to acknowledge your emotions to make each moment as full as it can be. And by doing so, you allow yourself to more fully experience life in its moments.

Important Questions from a Coach:

  1. When was the last time you allowed yourself to truly acknowledge and experience an emotion you felt?
  2. What holds you back from experiencing each of your emotions?
  3. What is something you can start doing today to better tune in to what you are actually feeling and then to allow yourself to experience your feelings?

 

Consider reading Staying Calm and Wise in a Wild Word: Your Reality Check

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