Why Presence Really Matters Most This Year

Have you asked your kids what they want for Christmas yet? I admit, I started asking before Halloween. A part of me doesn’t want to worry about not getting something in time. But a big part of me used it as a distraction. When that Amazon holiday wish book arrived, I told my boys “Santa’s magazine is here!” and set them off to circle the things they wanted. It gave me 30 minutes of quiet without leaning on screen time.

Though they may have a wish list that is about 10 pages long, they know that Santa will only be able to bring them one thing. To my (honest) surprise, my boys didn’t argue or get upset. They sat quietly for a minute flipping through the pages, picked up a different color marker and circled one or two toys saying, “I’ll give mine to my brother instead… I think he’ll like this the best.”

Queue the proud mom moment.

I share this story with you because I think it illustrates a very important concept: presence is more valuable than presents.

This year, I think a lot of parents and grandparents and caregivers will feel a little guilty for not spending enough time with their kids. Trying to juggle all the responsibilities of life while also playing primary caregiver 24/7 is exhausting and, honestly, impossible. It’s hard not to feel like you haven’t done enough in some area of life as you finally lay down at night. So, I think people will spend big this year, giving kids exactly what they’ve asked for and then some. It will alleviate some of the guilt we feel that life has been so weird this year. So unpredictable. So, different.

But instead of worrying about the money, or worrying about buying the exact right gift, what if, instead, you created a gift of presence? Maybe it’s a movie night and you wrap a box of popcorn and a new DVD (or a picture of a new digital version of the movie). Maybe it’s a family campout and you wrap up the ingredients for smores. Maybe it’s a sleepover night and you create a pillow / blanket fort to sleep in.

In each of these gifts, you’re giving the gift of [your] presence. To be fully and completely tuned in to your kids. Whether it’s a group event or a single event for each kid to experience your presence individually, these are the things they’ll remember. They won’t remember the toy that broke on Christmas Day night, or the toys that didn’t have the batteries they needed when they unwrapped them.

They will remember how you showed up in a big way to make it the best holiday ever.

So how will you give the gift of presence this year?

Take Action
As you’re scouring the wish lists from your kids, try getting a little creative. If they ask for movies or books, how could you make it something you can do together? For example, if they ask for books, maybe you write and illustrate one together.

And get others involved! Ask friends and family members for their ideas to find ways to be more engaged and present in your kids’ lives without giving more toys and stuff.

Remember where the memories are made and traditions start.

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading I’m Thankful For…

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Give the Gift of Time

Shopping for a gift for the important people in your life can sometimes seem difficult. There are so many choices from so many locations at so many price points. It’s hard to know for sure what’s just right.

True, it may be difficult to find the right tangible gift. But why is it we think that we must give someone something purchased to show them we care? Much of this comes the constant input from advertisers and marketers whose goal it is to sell what they make.

Think you’re immune to their marketing efforts? Ask yourself how many times you’ve said, “I need to get something for _________ because I am sure they are getting me something.” Or, “I have to get them something nice, I know they are getting me something nice.”

Quite frankly, that’s madness. How did we get here?

I think it’s important to go back to our roots, to remember Christmas and the holiday season as a time to be aware – aware of what is really important. And in the process of doing this, consider what we could give to or do for others that doesn’t require making a purchase. After all, the great gifts are often those that come directly from the heart.

So this year, consider giving those you care about something more from yourself. Consider giving someone the gift of time, uninterrupted and intentionally focused time. Consider what giving the gift of time could look like: meeting for coffee, going for a walk, reminiscing about past experiences, a surprise phone call or visit, or working on a project together (uninterrupted by technology).

Making time for someone, to share their space with them, is a great way to stay connected by acknowledging them and helping them feel cared for, valued and loved. To me, this seems like the best of gifts.

Take Action
We are social animals who join others not just for physiological needs but for the company and camaraderie. We need and want people in our lives. Virtually every holiday show is about reconnecting relationships and how life got better when others changed even just a small moment of their day to spend time with another.

What would it take for you to buck the gift-giving tradition this year in favor of time giving – the giving of your time, concern, interest and love? How will you remember that at the center of every holiday is not the bows, the trees, the lights or the gifts, but instead is about time with the people you care about?

Remember that what truly makes the holiday special is making time, caring deeply, being present and connecting as people. Memories come from the way you feel, not the stuff you own and eventually throw out.

Make a commitment to give the gift of a great relationship to five people this holiday. I bet once you start, you will develop a new and more amazing holiday tradition.

By Jay Forte

Consider reading Stop and Notice Works Everywhere

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Life’s Little Gifts

By Jay Forte

I got off a plane, just coming home from a week of travel, and the first person I see in the terminal ready to board my plane on the way out, was a high school friend I haven’t seen in 30 years. What a great gift.

I checked into my hotel and discovered they had just updated and modernized all the rooms, and I had the first completed room – everything was brand new. Another great little gift.

Life’s little gifts are like the frosting on the cake. By itself, the cake is good. But cake with frosting is better. A little gift of frosting can completely change the experience.

Life’s little gifts can take on a variety of forms. A little gift could be the spectacular double rainbow after a storm, a highway with no traffic, the scent of the jasmine as the evening approaches, the smell of fried onions as the local steakhouse gets ready for the dinner crowd, the sound of kids laughing in a playground, the empty seat next to you on your crowded flight, or your favorite food for dinner.

Imagine with me for a minute. What little gifts has life shared with you lately? What things have you noticed that have added just a bit more, a little something extra to your day, your work or to a relationship? And how many more are there to see?

Most of the time we are in “do, achieve and get done” mode, moving through life as something to complete instead of to experience. Life becomes a destination, not a journey. See, the greatest thing about the journey part of life is that is where the value in life is. It is in experiencing the people, the places, the things and the world. It is in the little gifts that make each day and each moment just a bit better.

Most of us put the blinders on and plow forward. We say that makes us focused. Life is serious. We have things to do and places to go. We have people who need us to get things done. I have met countless people in my travel and my coaching who cannot remember one thing about their previous week other than they got their work done. No awareness of life’s little extras, little gifts or extra value. Life was something to check off as done, not as experienced. There was no connection to something extraordinary that made their moment wiser, greater, happier – better. That is what life’s little gifts are here for – to make things better.

Important Questions from a Coach:

  1. What is the most recent life’s little gift you noticed and celebrated?
  2. In what way can you be life’s little gift to someone else?
  3. How will you make time in your day to stop and notice life’s little gifts?

 

Consider reading Life’s Little Moments

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Parents: Give Presence, not Presents

By Kristin Allaben

“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.” –W.E.B. Dubois

I grew up with two parents who taught me a lot about hard work and being humble (I realize I’m one of the lucky ones). These lessons came from their being present; they did not come from giving my sisters and me presents. We weren’t given gifts for every little thing we did. We weren’t rewarded and regaled when we did what we were supposed to do, like working hard, owning our decisions and being our best selves.

Sure, there are certainly situations where gifts as a means to reward or celebrate make sense, like getting an A on a big project or test you know your kid(s) worked hard for, or winning a championship game, or getting into the top choice college. But these types of events are not every day occurrences; they are significant events or milestones.

And that’s the difference that, in my mind, helps separate giving presence from giving presents, of being there every day to support, guide and encourage as opposed to giving gifts.

Today’s world often makes parents feel pressured into constantly delivering surprises, gifts and presents to our kids. Ads for seemingly every product shows us that great parents are the ones who always give their kids exactly what they want. Just look at the market that has developed for 1st birthday parties and what we spend on Christmas!

I decided a long time ago to be a “presence parent” to help my kids sort through great events and challenges, to support and love them, to help them realize that their success is in their ability to find their own way, make their own impact and become their truest self. None of that requires physical gifts.

Be present. Be interested. Not only will giving presence vs. presents create great memories and a encourage a stronger relationship with your kids that evolves as they grow up, it will also teach them that gifts are rewards to be cherished, not something to expect in order to inspire action.

Sometimes, the best gift you can give them is to be with them and be fully present in that moment.

Important Questions from a Coach

  1. How can you increase your presence and decrease your presents?
  2. What are the benefits of spending more meaningful time with your kids?
  3. What would the impact of spending more time with your kids be? Would you reduce the number of “things” you give them?

 

Consider reading Overcoming Mom Guilt: Being mindful and aware

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