Triggers, Meltdowns and Outbursts, Oh, My!

Kristin Allaben
June 1, 2020
awareness, COVID-19, Riot, Self-Control, Self-Managed

Weeks of isolation and quarantine. Frustration with waiting in line to shop with a very limited selection available. The inability to see, spend time with or even hold the people who matter to us. Worry about our health and the health of our kids and parents.

Yup, we’re all pretty frazzled.

And that’s our starting point as we re-engage with society. A few months ago, we were comfortable being out and around people. We expected crowds in certain places at certain times. We anticipated grumpy people or rude people or nice people. And we rolled with it.

But now, as we start re-engaging with society, we’ll be operating in a new normal, a world where we’re realizing just how many people are strikingly self-unmanaged. And everyone seems to have a shorter fuse.

The frustration with someone who cuts in line seems to be turning into brawls. The request to wear masks when shopping seems to be an offensive ask that is a deliberate attempt to take away the freedoms we have as Americans. A rude person is shot at.

We’re seeing this across the news and some states haven’t even fully re-opened yet. Unchecked rage. Uncontrolled behavior. Less patience. Less tolerance. Less understanding.

It’s the complete opposite of the heartfelt posts shared across social media just a month ago as the thought of being out in public again was but a hopeful wish.

And it’s happening because people are self-unmanaged. To be self-managed means to be aware of yourself (your emotions, feelings and abilities) and to manage each of your attributes so you can be successful, respectful and effective when dealing with others. When you are not self-managed, you aren’t able to control yourself when you become irritated, aggravated or frustrated. It’s not pretty to see someone – especially yourself – having a meltdown because you were triggered by something someone else is doing.

Think about a time when someone did something or something didn’t go your way and you reacted. As a mindfulness coach, I always remind my clients that in any moment, it is your choice how to be in your moments – pleasant ones or difficult ones. You choose to think and respond or react. The situation doesn’t make you do it. You do it. The situation may be challenging but that is why it is called self-management: manage yourself no matter what the situation.

Where we are today requires us to be more self-managed than ever before. We exist with others and, therefore, things will happen that are beyond your control. Some of those things may even frustrate you or trigger you. But you must stay in control so the situation doesn’t escalate and you don’t let your day be ruined.

Without being self-managed, every disappointment or challenge will get you. You’ll always be ready to explode.

So how can you become self-managed? By better understanding your triggers. When you know what sets you off, you can start to notice when a situation is triggering you. And when you’re aware of this, you have the ability to take control of your feelings and ensure a more productive outcome for the situation. Take a breath. Remove yourself from the situation. Focus on something else that is more valuable to you.

Be self-managed.

Take Action
Start by coming up with a list of the two or three things that are your primary triggers. An easy way to identify them is to complete this statement: “I hate when people _________ ” or “I hate when [fill in the blank] happens.”

Know your triggers, then think of a few things you can do to calm yourself when you feel yourself being triggered. This could be breathing, forcing yourself to smile, changing your self-talk to something positive, refocusing on something you like, or changing where you are. Those are just a few ideas.

You will have to pay attention on purpose, catch yourself when you feel yourself being triggered or starting to meltdown, and use whatever approach you’ve identified as a way to stay calm.

Today, everyone needs to be more self-managed than ever before. What will this look like for you?

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading Your Check Engine Light

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Life

It’s Up to You to Manage the Culture of Breaking News

Kristin Allaben
May 16, 2020
Anxiety, awareness, Self-Managed, tune in

With instant access to so many important things that improve our lives, technology can really be our friend. But it has a dark side, as well. Too much connection can encourage unhealthy actions and emotions.

Our brains were built to watch our world for danger. From our evolution, the limbic brain watches our world for those things that could jeopardize our survival – real or perceived, physical or emotional. We have a built-in guard dog.

This guard dog is always watching and ready to pounce on danger. 2,000 years ago. This was great. It was how we survived.

But today? It sometimes creates more harm than good.

Think about our current approach to sharing and getting the news. We’ve created a culture of consistent updates, ensuring that we are constantly aware of the dangers in our world.

This has made our guard dog drool with enthusiasm as it constantly barks at everything that shows up in our news feeds, emails and Facebook connections, drawing our urgent attention to whatever news item it is, just in case it is danger.

Today, everything seems to require the headline “breaking news,” as if the fact that you might miss it could mean life or death.

A person in another state won the lottery.
A school in another country has added dance to their curriculum to preserve a cultural tradition.
A vote on the latest legislation of the moment has both sides agreeing to make a difference.
25 people die in a tornado.

All breaking news. And though not all of it is bad or dangerous, the guard dog barks.

Does everything always have to be considered breaking news? Will your world truly stop spinning if you miss a news story at some point during the day?

If you think every breaking news item is worthy of your attention, two alarming things happen:

You miss out on your current moment because you have replaced it with news from places other than your life. Under the guise of “breaking news,” we have our attention diverted from this moment. We lose our connection with ourselves and with others as we let things interrupt our moment. Being informed is important. But being caught up in a minute-by-minute rehash of the news, and mostly alarming or negative news, shifts us into a worry state; we worry about something we have no control over.
You allow the media to tell you what you should see, think about and act on. You have passed your choice to decide for yourself what comes into your world. The world routinely identifies tragedy, challenge and conflict as urgent and breaking. It does this as it sees it as danger and then wants you to know about it, even if it has little or no bearing on you, or isn’t different from the last update they shared. This sense of doom, anxiety and fear that comes in so much of our breaking news keeps our guard dog ready to pounce. In this state, we tax our physical and emotional systems. Our bodies were built to handle stress then return to a non-stress state. Today’s approach to breaking news keeps us all in a stress state – like the dog always watching for an intruder.

So, what do you do about it? 3 ideas:

Decide what you tune in to. Determine your credible information sources. What places share facts about your world so you can be informed and wise in how to be in your world, not anxious, fearful and worried? Sharing information that just activates hype and worry is unproductive because it stops you from wisely assessing and managing life’s challenges in a successful way.
Decide how often you tune in to it. You are the keeper of the remote. Find the off button. Determine when you will have outside news on and when to turn it off. Set up a set of rules or guidelines at home and in the office. Being informed is different than being inundated or distracted. Use the time you used to lock on to the breaking news to develop your hobbies, interests and the things that add value to your life and give it purpose. In the workplace, notice ways to make improvements.
Decide how you use what you tune in to. Gather information and share it with those who need to know what is happening in their world. Have a family meeting, a team huddle, a Zoom call or create a location on an intranet where the most current information is shared. Use the information to learn, assess, evaluate and make wise decisions.

Take Action
Just because news is shared 24-hours a day, 7 days a week doesn’t mean you need to be pulled into its frequent sense of false urgency. Gather information. Control the information you tune in to and how often. Then step back and assess it. Put a lease on your guard dog to be able to see and choose how to respond to the information behind the hype. This is yours to control. Don’t let the hype of the media distract you from your moment. Even your guard dog needs a nap.

By Jay Forte

Consider reading Create Your Stopper

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Life

Holiday Tips: How to Deal with Your Toughest Critics (i.e. Your Family)

Kristin Allaben
November 22, 2019
awareness, Family, holidays, Self-Managed, Tips

Are you eagerly awaiting your family holiday event? Or are you dreading being stuck in the same room with “those people” for an extended period of time?

If the latter, you may find yourself bringing this unproductive mindset and emotion to every aspect of your life. Whether it’s work, your personal life or relationships, feeling anxious or frustrated can introduce a level of unintended hostility around the holiday season.

We put together a few tips to help you stay calm and enjoy the season, regardless of what family members (or other relationships) may do to test or challenge you.

1. Acknowledge you can’t control everything. You certainly can’t control a group of unique people, especially a group that, despite coming from the same background, have unique life experiences that have made each of them exactly who they are today. We aren’t supposed to be the same – imagine how boring that would be. And others aren’t for you to control; they get to be who they are. Instead, accepting each person is who they are allows you start to see value in their differences. The brother who knows a lot about investing. The sister who is running marathons. The cousin who has a different political perspective. The critical aunt that is actually just trying to helpful. Don’t try to control it – step back and try to see the value in others. When you do this, this same group of challenging people can become a group of remarkable people.

2. Change the topic. So, you tried to see your family as remarkable people and it isn’t working. They still argue and can be critical. One of the best ways to interrupt a negative exchange or interaction is simply to change the topic. People love to talk about themselves, so this can be a very well-timed strategy to ask great Aunt Polly about that time she met Uncle Paul. And if you ask an open question that requires more than a one-word response, it can create the space for a productive conversation that everyone can enjoy. Consider having some questions prepared that you can use to keep things more enjoyable.

3. You can leave. Okay, you tried to see the value in others. Then you used some redirecting topics to change the conversation. Nothing seemed to work. So remember: you have the ability to physically remove yourself if things start crossing a line, or, if you’re hosting, you can ask someone to leave. Spend some time with yourself to identify your triggers and where your line is. Keep your energy up, even if your line is crossed. After all, getting angry or feeling victimized can only lead to unproductive outcomes.

I think holidays were invented to bring us together – and to celebrate each other. Putting a group of people in the same room who come packaged with unique abilities, interests, beliefs and experiences, regardless of the reason, will not always work out. Though you can’t control them, you can manage yourself.

Remember: you choose who you want to be and how you want to show up to the moments of your life. Develop your techniques to help others get along. Celebrate when it happens. Have a plan when it doesn’t.

Take Action
What is it about the holiday season you love the most? You dislike the most? These are important questions to answer before attending any holiday function as they can open your eyes to triggers that you may have overlooked. Prepare yourself for any holiday function by having a plan for them and a plan for yourself. Having a plan is key to making the most of every holiday.

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading Expect the Unexpected to Make Life Better

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Caregiver, learning self-management to be better

Life

Learning How to be Self-Managed

Kristin Allaben
April 4, 2019
awareness, Caregiver, energy funnel, parenting, Self-Managed

Do you have an epic nickname from when you were younger? Mine was Mom. I was the mom of the soccer team, the mom of the friends, I was/am the mom among siblings (to their chagrin), and now the “real” mom to my own kids. I have always gravitated toward the caretaker role so the nickname came naturally. Epic, right?

I learned to embrace the nickname because it meant people trusted me. They knew they could depend on me for whatever they needed. But because of that, it was confusing and frustrating to me from a young age that the people I cared so much for would frequently do so many dumb things and, as a result, lean even more on me. Sometimes, I felt the need to fix things that probably didn’t need fixing (cue the fights with sisters). Sometimes, I felt tired and burned out and would often remove myself from social situations to just avoid having to care for someone else. But in this situation, I’d feel immensely guilty and selfish and would go out of my way to make it up to whomever I let down (according to my own belief, of course).

This was my normal until I became a Life Coach and learned about a self-management tool that we call the Energy Funnel. Basically, the Energy Funnel illustrates that there are six different ways to respond to any situation, some catabolic (limiting) and some anabolic (growing). One of the anabolic or big energy levels is the caregiver. This is a response that is helping, healing, supporting, loving or nurturing others.

Notice, however, that there is no mention of “self” in that description. It can be a wonderful thing to be known as reliable and dependent, to be the trusted one in the group. But it can be exhausting.

This is why being self-managed is so important. Just like with other levels on the Energy Funnel, the benefits are also coupled with liabilities. Sometimes, you can care too much at the risk of forgetting to care for yourself. Sometimes, you can care so much that people will feel like you’re smothering them.

I recently read a fantastic blog on Scary Mommy about being the natural caretaker. Blogger Wendy Wisner wrote, “…I know there is beauty in stepping up to the role of nurturer, of being willing to put your own feelings and needs aside to serve others in your life…But therein lies the rub – and that’s where things can get dangerous. You see, there is dark side to being a natural caretaker. Natural caretakers want to jump in and cure everyone and everything, which is actually impossible. They want to take away everyone else’s problems, sometimes without recognizing that other people’s problems are primarily their own responsibility.”

Take the time to get to know yourself, your strengths and liabilities, so you can know the whole you.

Learning how to be self-managed, to recognize when to reign in the natural tendencies to care and love and heal, is critical to any natural caretaker’s well-being. But this goes for everyone, regardless of how you identify yourself. Learning and understanding that your strengths, when left unchecked, can become a liability is key. As we share in our coaching, your strengths and your energetic response shouldn’t be considered as an on-off switch. It should be more like a dimmer. Slide it up when the situations warrant it; slide it down when it doesn’t. The more aware and mindful you are, the more you will see that one-size-fits-all never works. Instead, know yourself and manage yourself. Just because it comes naturally doesn’t mean the situation you are in needs it.

Wendy closes her blog with some guidance to her natural caretaker readers: “The only way that you can continue to bring that incredible light and love to others – the light and love you’ve been blessed with always – is if you are health[y] and happy. And sometimes that means learning the fine art of saying no, holding your ground, and putting your own needs first.”

Take Action
Take the time to understand your strengths and your liabilities. When you gain greater awareness and clarity around what activates and inspires you, and areas where you don’t feel you shine as bright, you can become a more well-rounded person. And this is the ultimate goal: to become a complete version of yourself. To recognize your strengths and use them, but to also manage them based on what any situation calls for.

Take 10-15 minutes today to ask yourself what your strengths are. Now ask a friend or family member. Do the same for your liabilities. You might find some eye-opening opportunities to make your next moment better.

By Kristin Allaben

Consider reading It’s Just Another Manic Monday

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