The Forte Factor
a Greatness Zone LLC company
Email:
Jay@TheForteFactor.com
Life

Rebounding from Tough Times Starts With You

“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think,” says the great author A. A. Milne. These aren’t just words. They are a reminder that the way out of any tough time starts with you.

Most of us have been led to believe that we don’t have what it takes to get up when the world pushes us down. We have been taught that we are weak and should therefore rely on others, our institutions or even our faith. But there’s a common denominator in all of this: any movement forward starts with you. For that, you must learn to know yourself and believe yourself capable, even in difficult times.

Most of my clients come to me not believing they have what it takes to achieve or address the thing that has brought them to me. They can’t see their way out of a challenge. They can’t achieve something that always seems out of reach.

My conversation with them starts by shifting their focus from the external (the thing they want to achieve or address) to the internal (the strengths, talents, passions and values that make them who they are).

A large part of why life seems so difficult for many people is they are unaware of how expansive they are – braver, stronger and smarter. We can’t rely on some of amazing attributes to help us through tough times if we don’t know them. That requires self-discovery and self-awareness. So, I guide my clients to start their work by developing a larger understanding of the abilities they have available to them at any moment, and to employ those abilities as needed. When they do this, they start to realize that many of life’s events that had been able to derail or distract them can be more easily handled.

Here are several of the activities I recommend to my clients to expand what they know of themselves.

  • Take a personality or abilities assessment to provide practical language of your abilities, including an introduction to abilities you may have been unaware you possess.
  • Journal your thoughts and feelings as events happen. Over time you will see your true nature and abilities come through in your thoughts.
  • Answer questions like
    • What do others applaud me for?
    • When I feel confident/successful, what am I doing?
    • When I am fully engaged and having a great time what am I doing?
    • When I make a difference that matters, what am I doing?
    • If you were to introduce yourself to someone new, what five of my attributes would I share?
  • When you find yourself avoiding or ignoring something, stop and notice why you are acting this way.
  • Ask a family member or friend to share their view of your greatest abilities and where they see you using them.

As you gather information, summarize it so you can start to see an expanding understanding of yourself. Now with greater personal awareness, look at a tough situation and ask yourself, “Which of my abilities will help me here?” This shift from feeling challenged about the situation to addressing it head-on by using your expanded abilities activates your energy, confidence and success.

Sure, there will be some extremely tough events in life – some larger than any of us. But most of what we feel are challenging situations take on this feeling because we fail to see that we are braver, stronger and smarter than we believe ourselves to be. We just need to know more about ourselves.

Take Action
It is up to you to navigate yourself through all of the situations in life, both the easy ones and the tough ones. The easy ones build your energy. The tough ones require your energy. Fuel yourself with knowledge about who you are (through self-discovery work) so that you have it ready to go when life asks more of you.

By Jay Forte

Consider reading Why Everyone Needs a Snapshot

Return to the Blog

Read More
No Comments
Life

How to Rally in Tough Times

There are some events in life that seem to knock the wind out of us. Things like a bad performance review at work or an unexpected job termination. Things like a foreclosure, a divorce or a tough diagnosis. These events feel personal. When they happen, we feel like we have been punched in the gut.

But, as the sun rises each day, we must also rise up and keep moving, regardless of how we feel. As we have seen throughout the pandemic, those who succeed are the ones who learn how to develop the stamina to deal head-on with what life sends and the grit to find a solution, even in the toughest of times. They rally because they know how to move past the challenges and see the opportunities. This empowers and engages them to keep moving forward.

As a Coach, I regularly engage with clients who are trying to reconnect to their mojo – to rally in tough times. Here is some of the advice and guidance I share.

  1. Shift your attitude to one that is about rebounding and taking action. Regardless of how it feels, remember that tough times are not personal. Life doesn’t have you in its crosshairs; it is what it is. This is an important realization to be able to move past the feeling of being a victim and start to identify your feelings. Why do you feel the way you do? Try saying it out loud to help you better understand it. Feelings inspire your attitude, which then affects your thoughts and actions, so make time to understand and acknowledge your feelings to be able to move past them. Once you’re clear about what you are feeling, check in on your attitude. Optimistic attitudes create the space to feel energized to deal with what needs to be done. Pessimistic attitudes just hold you back. Shifting your attitude to something more productive will help you refocus your thoughts and actions to things that are more productive.
  2. Refocus on the goal. Now with a more positive attitude, refocus or recommit to the goal. Clarity about what you want and need to achieve can inspire you to get back up and keep moving. See the value in your goal. Imagine what it will feel like when it is achieved and use this energy to get excited and rally.
  3. Engage your support network. Since life and work are tough, develop and rely on your support network to help you manage your attitude, to see things clearly and support you as you work to make things happen. The phrase, “none of us is as smart as all of us,” should serve as a reminder to you to engage with others to solicit ideas and new approaches. Your support network will be more inclined to support and help the optimistic version of you instead of the complaining, pessimistic you.

Take Action
On its best day, life and work are tough, even if we love what we do. Things happen that seem to sucker punch us or knock us down. It is in these exact moments that call on you to see that you have what it takes to understand, direct and respond in a way that makes the best out of what is happening. Stamina and grit are needed in today’s world. They are success skills.

Tune in to your feelings. Understand them. Shift your attitude to one that will support you. Get refocused on what you are trying to achieve and then engage others to help you rally and get back in the game. Then, as life sends other sucker punches (and it will), you will be more aware that you have what it takes to rally and persevere.

By Jay Forte

Consider reading Go Center Yourself

Return to the Blog

Read More
No Comments
Life

How You Act Won’t Influence How I Show Up

If you watch the Bravo Channel, you regularly see deckhands, housewives and roommates in full react mode, screaming and yelling because of something someone said or did.

And we see this daily in real-life: in a store when someone refuses to wear their mask, on a highway when someone cuts another person off, a comment on social media. Kaboom. An explosion of self-unregulated ire. Tit for tat. Retaliation. All-out war.

We have all become so accustomed to being activated by the actions of others that we don’t even realize when someone affects us in an unproductive way.

The real question is why? Why do we let others yang us here and there, activate us to lose our cool so we act in ways we say are against our values, and do and say things we regret?

This past year was so full of challenges that it’s little wonder we are all super stressed. And because of that constant stress, it really doesn’t take much to flip the switch and set us off. Our quick triggers, coupled with an increased social acceptance of bad behaviors, has led to little or no self-regulation, even among those who should be setting a better example (like politicians, celebrities and even our mentors, neighbors, family members and friends).

To combat this growing tit for tat mindset, I have committed to this phrase: How you act won’t influence how I show up.

Let me show you a couple of real-world examples of what this looks like.

Example 1: On the evening news the other night was a story about a couple who lost their cool. They were driving back into their gated community in a prestigious town in South Florida. They didn’t have their access card so the guard at the gatehouse, not knowing them, asked for their licenses. As he did his required background checks, this couple became irate at the inconvenience, got out of their car and screamed at the guard. Unaffected and continuing his background process, the husband hit the guard, causing the guard to hit his head on the glass of the guard booth. The guard maintained his cool, finished the background check and gave them access. The husband was charged with assault. The guard was applauded for his self-control.

Example 2: Early in my career, I worked for a super tense manager. Things had to be exactly as he wanted or he would meltdown, scream, bully and swear. This was a daily event, and it was frequently over the smallest things. It was quite normal to hear raging arguments as members of the team fought back, egged on by his horrid behavior. Nothing seemed to ever please this manager. One by one, everyone quit because dealing with him was not worth the effort, me included. It was in this moment that I promised myself I would never let the antics or negative behaviors of another influence who I am or how I show up. That was, and would always be, my choice.

Self-control. Self-regulation. The ability not to be set into unproductive motion every time something happens or someone says something you don’t like. To respond starts with each of us. We each must make a commitment to be in charge of – and in control of – how we show up to each of the events of life.

Take Action
So how do you develop and maintain this self-regulation? By developing a mindful practice. It could include a variety of things that help you get re-centered, like journaling, breathing and meditation. Each of these can prepare you to move through tough situations with tough people calmly and gracefully.

Stop and notice the people in your life. Who activates you to react? Why? What would it take for you to remember that who you are and how you show up is always your choice?

No one makes you be or act in any particular way. You choose it. Sure, there are people who can push your buttons, if you let them. There are people who can get you to descend into petty behaviors, if you let them. There are people who can get you to do horrible things, like post insults on social media, if you let them. Or you can decide who you are and who you will be in every moment, of every day, regardless of what others do.

Clearly define who you are and who you will be in your encounters with others. Notice that when you choose to be the one who stays calm and responds with grace, you don’t get pulled into the drama and self-unregulated actions of others. Your decisions are wiser. Your life is happier.

You are your life’s owner.

By Jay Forte

Consider reading Confidence in a COVID World

Return to the Blog

Read More
No Comments
Life

Confidence in a COVID World

Man, the world is weird right now. Sure, we’ve all laughed at the ever-changing guidelines, the uncertainty around existing guidelines and which ones to follow, and how our world will never be the same (perhaps it’s a coping mechanism, but I digress). We’ve wondered when – or if – we’ll ever be able to go somewhere without masks. We’ve been uncertain about whether we’d be comfortable leaving the house without masks. We’ve had nightmares about loved ones losing their battle to the virus. We’ve been worried we might get it ourselves.

But then things seem to settle and life goes on. You create new routines. You get into a new groove. And just when you think you get a handle on things, something changes again. You lose control of the situation, again.

It’s hard to stay positive and confident in a COVID world.

Let me tell you a story that put a lot of this into perspective.

My middle son was talking to my Mom on the phone. As is the norm now, it was a video chat, so he was walking around with the phone, showing her what he was playing with and talking about what he was going to do for the rest of the day. My Mom asked him if he would like to play at her house soon. He paused for the briefest of moments as he looked at me and said, “I’d like to, but we have to wear masks so we don’t get sick… it’s probably better if I just stay home for now. I think it makes more sense to just be home.”

I felt so many emotions. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Pride.

Never when I dreamed of being a mom, of raising my children, did I ever think of parenting in a pandemic and what that would feel like for me (as a parent) or my kids. Never did I think about the impact these rules and guidelines would have on such young kids. Never did it even occur to me that, despite the constant touch points with grandparents and friends and family through video chats and phone calls, relationships would be forever changed.

But perhaps the biggest realization is that through all of this, I noticed all of my boys were showing up confident to the world they live in. They are working on discovering their strengths and flexing those what-else-can-I-try muscles. I was seeing their resilience, their ability to move with whatever life was sending them.

Though my heart broke hearing him talk about the need for masks and how it’s safer to just stay home, my heart was equally as proud. He was confident and adaptable. He didn’t see it as a problem or a challenge; life is what it is.

And this little boy continues to remind me that there is so much to learn from kids who have yet to be negatively influenced with the anxiety and fear that seems to fill an adult’s mind.

The confidence we choose to have each day, the way we decide to show up in every aspect of our lives, is so easily impacted by external forces.

But what if we decided, instead, to adapt to change and not fight it? To acknowledge when we can and can’t control a situation and to manage ourselves and our response to it? Life never promises an easy road. It does, however, give us plenty of opportunities to use strengths we never knew we had.

So, to be confident in a COVID world means recognizing what you do and don’t have control over. It’s about committing to being yourself and knowing that you are already equipped with everything you need to navigate life’s road, the smooth ones and the bumpy ones.

Take Action

When you find yourself getting frustrated that things are still not “back to normal,” take a deep breath and ask yourself: is this something I can control? If it is, then ask yourself: what can I do to fix it?

If it’s not within your control, ask yourself: how can I learn to be flexible, resilient and not fight with life?

Your confidence will grow as you learn to appreciate life as it is, celebrating the good times and using the tough times to grow, learn and develop into a stronger, wiser and more resilient you.

By Kristin Allaben

Continue reading A Lesson from Kids: Finding the Good

Return to the Blog

Read More
No Comments
Life

Are You Putting Bricks in Your Backpack?

By Jay Forte, Coach, Author, Educator

Many people go through life wearing a heavy (metaphorical) backpack, a backpack filled with bricks of life’s disappointments, unhappiness, frustrations, judgments and grudges. The backpack gets heavier and heavier as more bricks are added making each day more of a struggle. This can lead to feelings of unhappiness, depression and sadness.

As I learned in my Boy Scout days, you can’t get very far when you carry a heavy backpack.

Let me explain. Bricks come from your response to the events in work and life that don’t go as you would like. When this happens, most people get disappointed, frustrated and upset. But instead of just dealing with the event or circumstance and moving on, they justify being upset, forge a new brick and add it to the pile already in the backpack. The consequence is that life gets tougher and becomes less enjoyable.

Does this sound familiar?

Consider these two options to stop adding bricks to your backpack and to start taking out the ones already there.

  1. Expand your awareness. Each time you become disappointed or frustrated with something, stop and notice it. You have just created a brick. Since you now see it, you can choose to learn from it and leave it on the side of the road, not add it to your backpack.
  2. Improve your understanding. Understand what bricks are already in your backpack and how they got there. What grudges or judgements make you unhappy or possibly hold you back from your true potential? With a full backpack, the world looks mean, unfriendly and unkind. Understanding what bricks you carry can help you start to figure out how to get them out of your backpack and – here’s the most important part – not put them back.

The burden of carrying the weight of all these bricks makes life hard, heavy and disappointing. So, why do we add bricks to our backpack and go through life with our heavy load? Because we don’t know that we have the option not to. Your response to what life delivers is entirely up to you. Why choose a response that makes you feel bad or worn out?

Life is a most amazing event, especially for those who have learned how to see and deal with life’s challenges, frustrations and disappointments. But not all is lost for those who regularly add bricks to their backpacks.

As I mentioned, the first step is awareness; until we notice this unproductive habit, we can’t change it. Notice how you handle life’s events and what bricks you create. Notice what bricks are in your backpack and how heavy it is. Then every day, make a conscious effort to move some of the bricks out of your backpack and to handle life on life’s terms to avoid adding any new ones. This is how to reconnect to a great, amazing and enjoyable life.

Important Questions from a Coach

  1. What bricks do you carry? Take the time to identify your judgements, frustrations and grudges you hold.
  2. How will you focus on changing your attitude and beliefs to allow you to unload old and unproductive bricks?
  3. What is one brick that always seems to get added to your backpack? How will you stop this from happening?

 

Consider reading How to Learn from Any Event

Return to the Blog

Read More
No Comments
RSS feed
Connect with us on Facebook
TWITTER
Follow Me
Connect with us on LinkedIn